True Self

Hide it.

It’s been a theme so far that I make one mediocre post on here every other month and then get lost in the craziness of life. This is much less than I hoped for but also more than I expected. Yay?

I want to share a little about my family and the fact that they have no idea I am planning to leave everything behind and jet off to another country in less than 90 days. Am I nervous about telling them? Completely…but it’s just not that time yet for many reasons.

As I write this, it is just after midnight and I only got home from a full day of Christmas-ing a couple hours ago. Instead of laying down to sleep, grateful for everything in my life and feeling the warmth of the holidays, I feel conflicted. So many Christmas presents I won’t be able to take backpacking with me. So many times wanting to share the excitement of my plans. So much guilt about the Amazon wishlist I made (that wasn’t utilized) so my family wouldn’t spend their money on things they will soon realize are going to sit in storage or be sold for travel money. So much disappointment when my new step-dad told me he went across three counties looking for an open shop on Christmas Eve so he could get me nice bowling shoes, not knowing they’ll only be used once or twice before I leave if I’m lucky.

Even though it isn’t the right time to tell them yet, I still feel bad that I need to hide it. I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret that ends with me abandoning everyone in my life who loves me. I know that’s not the case, my closest friends already know I’m leaving and have been incredibly supportive. It’s my little sister and my mom I worry about. I know I am not leaving forever, and I know this trip is going to be good for me, but I can’t put away this fear that something will happen to them, or they will need me and I won’t be there. It’s all part of the game of letting go I guess; something I find myself doing every day, in greater and greater frequency the closer I get to my departure date.

So other than not wanting to drop the “Peace out, I’m going to Europe” conversation with the fam on Christmas Day, there are so many other factors giving me anxiety about when I do need to eventually let the cat out of the bag…

1. I work with my mom so it’s a conflict of interest to tell her before I give my notice at work. I don’t want to make her keep secrets that will affect her job.

2. If something falls through with the trip, I don’t want to tell everyone my plans and then change them. This has to do with my job, but also my personal life.

3. My grandma is not doing well. I’m going to visit her with my parents and siblings in a few weeks, but even that long isn’t a guarantee that she will still be with us by the time we get there. Her farewell is far more important than mine. BTW, FUCK CANCER.

4. My sister (12yo) is battling depression, failing in school, dealing with my parent’s custody battle, and has a brand new step-dad. All of our other siblings live out of state, so right now I am one of the only people she has to confide in. I’m hoping things will settle down soon.

4. My mom’s birthday is also the week we’re going to see my grandma. That’s honestly too much for me to process without telling everyone my plans, let alone my mom handling all this in the first month of the year.

When it comes to this trip, having to hide it is probably the toughest hurdle I’ve had to face so far. Until I am “officially leaving”, meaning I have given my notice at my job, my lips are begrudgingly sealed. It’s my hope that if my family is at all upset about this choice, they will eventually read this blog and have a better understanding of my (crazy) thinking during the process. Only time will tell.

Happy holidays readers. If you’re feeling particularly giving, please help me stock up on backpacking supplies from that unused Amazon Wishlist I made!

Author: The Wandering Moth

On a mission of discovery, aiming to remember in every moment that life is a journey.

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